When I started this blog my intent was to write daily…then came a fibro flare…right now I feel like shit…I haven’t had a good nights sleep in around 3 weeks, my pain is ridiculous and never ending, my head is fucked up and my period has just arrived for the 3rd time in 1 1/2 months…wtf…kids back at school and I’m supposed to be enjoying the peace but I can’t, I sit and look at a wall all day, and I cry a lot.

Hubby hasn’t been talking to me much. Usually he calls or texts several times a day, but the last 2 weeks nothing. He comes home from work and just sits quietly, and I don’t blame him for when he does talk to me I shoot a dirty look his way and tell him to leave me alone. He knows how the fibro affects me, but he still tries, and today I feel bad for treating him like shit, but I know that until this flare passes I’ll still be acting like a bitch.

The dreams i’m having when I do get a little sleep torment me during the day. Its like all my fears and anxieties manifest in my dreams and swirl around my head once I wake. I’ve written a few down, maybe I’ll post them.

I’ve lost weight, I can’t eat…I’m surviving on coffee and cigarettes…and weed…I need the weed to not feel. It dulls the pain, both physical and mental. I don’t smoke around my kids, I don’t smoke during the day…but as soon as they sleep I toke my joint and stare at a wall dreaming of a life without fibro. This flare will pass, they always do…until that time though I will be a cranky bitch, a stoner, a mental case…I don’t like myself like this, no one likes me like this…but nothing to do except wait it out…